An Offer I Can't Refuse

June 5, 2010

I'm in a giant warehouse/movie studio. I've been summoned to play the lead role of Dr. Brennan in a low budget zombie movie. I'm worried because I haven't actually read the script yet and filming is about to start. I also haven't met the producers or the director yet.

I am the only person to have arrived, so I eat a bowl of oatmeal and wait. Finally, a gaggle of people comes in and introductions are made. A young blond man, apparently one of the producers, tells me not to worry about missing the rehearsals. Next, I am introduced to the director, a heavy set man seated on a red leather couch sipping a glass of wine. I am thrilled and terrified when I realize he is none other than Francis Ford Coppola.

"I'm sure you don't hear this very often," I tell him, "but Peggy Sue Got Married is my favorite movie. I think it's extremely underrated, the way you capture loss, regret, acceptance...and that score!"

"Thank you," he responds in a thick Italian accent as he gestures for me to stop speaking.

"Now that you've finished with that, who are you?" he asks me.

"I'm playing Dr. Brennan," I reply.

He looks me over thoroughly, then glances at my resume, which is attached to a picture of me from four score and twenty pounds ago.

"No, no. Another part for you, I think."

I hold up my phone and try to play for Francis a voice mail that confirms I've been offered the lead role but his mind is made. I'm sent off to a quiet auditorium strewn with half finished costumes and sets to learn my new lines. I am officially no longer the lead but rather the goofy best friend/second banana.

A Holliday Feast

July 27, 2008

I'm standing in line waiting to buy a bus ticket to take me home after a vacation in Las Vegas. I very politely try to cut in front of an elderly couple because my bus is about to leave. The woman at the counter refuses to sell me a ticket and the bus pulls away without me.

Suddenly, I'm working in a large office. Everyone is all abuzz because Broadway belters Patti LuPone (Evita) and Jennifer Holliday (Dreamgirls) have arrived. It seems they are going to perform for the staff. Patti, dressed casually, strolls through the office all confidence and brass as she announces to everyone, "I'm goin' out front for a smoke; Who's comin'?"

Perhaps intimidated by her presence, no one moves a muscle. Patti shrugs and heads out the door.

Meanwhile, Jennifer, dressed in an orange wig and Little Orphan Annie dress, is preoccupied with finding out what time lunch is being served and asks the staff, "Can someone show me to the buffet?"

Between the eating and the smoking, we never do get them to perform.

A Porous Line

Summer, 2008

I'm having after dinner tea with my sister and her neighbors, Tony Award winner Kelly Bishop (A Chorus Line, Gilmore Girls, Dirty Dancing) and her husband. We're all enjoying ourselves but the mood darkens when Kelly's husband tells us they have to move so he can be closer to his job. Everyone seems heartbroken that they will no longer be right next door but instead a 45 minute drive away.

A Few Nights Later...

It's opening night of a big Broadway show and the management of the theatre has a severe shortage of bathrooms. It seems that one enormous and elegantly appointed washroom, which could service dozens of theatre goers, has been set aside for my exclusive use. A panicked usher steps up to talk to me.

"Please, can you help us?"

"I'm sure we can work something out," I tell him.

As the curtain rises for Act II, it seems I've traded my bathroom privileges for a part in the show. I find myself onstage desperately trying to keep up with Kelly Bishop as she dances circles around a group of dancers less than half her age.