One of My Boy Parts

May 8, 2011


I'm standing in the back of a high school auditorium watching my friend Tim in a play. When the play is over, I approach him with a serious demeanor.

"What is it," he asks.

"I have it...I have IT," I yell, referring to some dreadful, unnamed disease.

"Where?"

" I don't know. Somewhere down there, one of my boy parts."

But it turns out this is not real--we are filming a TV sitcom and this is merely a scene we are playing.

We are now on a balcony overlooking a street in London that's been shut down for our production. Across the avenue I spot our co-star Marlene Dietrich eating a huge jewel encrusted steak as she relaxes atop a red double decker bus. The steak is raw, dripping with blood, and Marlene smiles at us wickedly as she bites into it with gusto.

Come Blow Your Horn

August 15, 2005

It's about 5PM the day after Thanksgiving, and it is already very dark outside. I'm riding in a car with jazz trumpeter Chris Botti, and as he drives us around the small town where I grew up, we are havinig a disagreement. We're arguing because even though he's in town to meet my family, he seems unsure about letting people know that we've just gotten married.

As we speed over the railroad tracks next to the old lumberyard, our car lurches a few feet off of the ground, and we land with an enormous thud.

The bumpy landing has had an effect on my new husband. "Fuck it. I don't care who knows," he tells me just before grabbing the back of my head and kissing me on the lips with a force so powerful, so skillful, it could only be the result of years of blowing his horn.

Gladys Knight and the 'Phants

December 12, 2010

It's very early on a cold morning in New York. The sun is just starting to come up as I stroll along a mostly deserted Central Park West. Something unusual catches my eye as I wander into the park; a long line of elephants, seemingly unaccompanied by any human beings, snakes its way to the other side of the park.

It takes me quite a while, but I follow their serpentine line until I reach the East side of the park. Several reporters and TV crews are gathered beside a large tent where the elephants seem to be heading. A familiar woman rides atop one of the elephants. It's a smiling Gladys Knight who extends her hand and gestures for me to join her. Without much fuss I climb aboard and straddle in behind Gladys.

Our elephant strides into the tent with an imperial grace as Gladys and I sing "Jingle Bells."